woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
