either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
