alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
