so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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