I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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