apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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