sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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