Whats the count minus fat chicks?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
