I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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