I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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