What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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