toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
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I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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