dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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