my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
