I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
