How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
