shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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