Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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