totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
