Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
