Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
