Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
