I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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