Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
