Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
