I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
