Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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