I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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