I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
