in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
