She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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