this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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