i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
