He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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