Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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