so that wasnt chicken after all
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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