So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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