Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
