I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.