he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.