Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
