I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He? As in you personified your dick?
COCAINE IS GR8
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
