so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
