I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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