they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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