I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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