If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
