I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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