Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
