Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize