Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She made me pour olive oil on her.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
