If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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