Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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