He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
