I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
