just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
