guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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