I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
