you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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