I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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