You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
