Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
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I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
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You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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