the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
