Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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